It appears that the final needle is about to be nailed into Lloyd Flandis’ cycling coffin and once again, we’re reminded that to be the best, you gotta buy the best illegal performance enhancing substances.
But let’s face it, we all cheat in one way or another. Some of us jaywalk instead of going to the end of the street, and some of us inject horse testosterone in our ass to hit home runs.
Some of us even try and cheat by practicing two and three times as hard, long, and as often as others… Even in the offseason! Bullshit!
Rather than point the finger at our neighbor, let us bask in the glorious ray of lying and stealing with these alltime greatest cheaters in sports history.
It seems everybody is linked to steroids or performance enhancing drugs in some form nowadays.
First, the loveable Barry Bonds. Then the rest of Major League Baseball followed suit. Then Rocky of all friggin people. Before you know it, we’ll find out that Kevin Arnold from the Wonder Years was juiced the whole time, which would explain his oversized head and deep narrative voice.
Now, even the purest of athletes of all are being implicated: professional wrestlers. Eleven wrestlers in total have been linked through a new report including Kurt Angle, Randy Orton, Edge, and the tag team legends Dink and Doink. (Link)
If we can’t believe in the sanctity of professional wrestling, we can’t believe in anything. Just go ahead and steal Christmas next, steroid investigators.
Posted in: Drugs :
I don’t think it’s ignorant to suggest that all athletes with dreadlocks have substance abuse problems.
Donte Stallworth is the latest dread head to regularly get wasted, and he’s got rehab to show for it.
Reports have surfaced that Stallworth entered the NFL’s substance abuse program. (Link)
There has been no indication of what the substance might be but looking at a recent picture of Stallworth, my guess is alcohol or cocaine. He seems too jittery for marijuana.
In possibly related news, a dude I never heard of is back from a hiatus that I never knew he went on. Ryan Tucker took a more appropriate route to deal with his inner demons than Stallworth did by taking a year off football for an unamed mental illness.
The Browns right tackle is apparently ‘fixed’ and hopes to start for the Browns this year.
The government’s probing in order to save the sanctity of America’s favorite pastime while Bud Selig hopes to rape the benefits. I mean, reap the benefits.
Shawne Lights Out Merriman has been suspended for taking steroids.
Questions started to arise when his name went from a normal-looking Shawn to a super-sized Shawne. Speculation is that the extra E is a legitimate, though uncommon, side effect of steroid use.
Authorities are now looking to criminally prosecute Floyd Landis in regards to his use of illegal substances to enhance his racing ability….. and hatred of non whites.
In a shocking statement this morning, Floyd Landis has called a press conference to announce that the foreign substance found in his urine was his own urine.
If Jeff Foxworthy had sex with a badger and an elderly German woman, you’d get Floyd Landis.