Jake Delhomme provided Panther fans a painful re-enactment of last years NFC Playoff loss where Jake the Mistake threw a whole shitload of interceptions.
While understanding fan disappointment, Delhomme spent an offseason trying to reassure fans that his new contract extension would be worth it and that he was ready for the long 16-game season ahead.
To no avail. Another turnover-fueled game against the Philadelphia Eagles led to an afternoon of boo’s for Delhomme in Carolina’s season opening 38-10 loss. Afterwards, Delhomme was furious.
“It’s a long [expletive] season” screamed Delhomme.
“I hate these overreacting fans, they’re literally worse than Hitler and child rape put together” overreacted the veteran quarterback.
Coach John Fox tried to keep a level-head, “It’s one game in a 16-game season. Whether you lose by one or 101, it’s a loss all the same. I think overreacting is the most egregious thing any human being can possibly do and their parents obviously failed miserably in every possible way.”
This is an actual death row prisoner’s last words. Check out the entire spooky gallery over here.
Posted in: Football :
10. Don’t bring up Satan, or support your ideas on defensive strategies with rationale from your cult. It’ll come off preachy.
9. Football fans love two things: hot wings and ethnic slurs. Distribute both liberally.
8. Don’t say, “If Ben was a Roethlis-burger, you know I’d put on it? Hines Ketchup. And semen.
7. When the Steelers score, don’t yell “you know what they’re stealing? My heart!”
6. You know what? F those guys. Talk about Satan. If they can’t handle the truth it’s their loss.
5. Arrange your appetizers into swastikas.
4. Get some good beer and stock the fridge nice and full. Go a little overboard because you never know how many friends of friends will show up. And don’t stop talking about Cybill Shepherd.
3. Don’t stop believin’.
2. You know all of those terrible secrets you’ve been keeping to yourself? Now’s the time. Let them go.
1. Formal attire!
Posted in: Football :
Brett Favre sounded yesterday like I do immediately after every one night stand I’ve ever had in my life:
“I swear, that’s never happened to me before.”
Favre spoke for the first time since the Packers Week 6 win against the Redskins and tried to explain his uncharacteristic underthrows that lead to two interceptions. (Link)
Favre swore it was a one-time thing and insisted he could make it (the football) go as hard and long as ever before.
Favre and Prilosec officials denied that it had anything to do with side effects of the prescription drug.
Receiver Donald Driver, who has been with Favre since 1999 insists Favre still has his mojo saying his throws “feel as hard as ever whenever I get my hands on it”.
An appreciative but dejected Favre responded “I appreciate what he’s trying to do but everytime I hear that, I think he’s faking it”
This guy (and likely 60% or so of our readership) may suck at fantasy football. At least they’re not Greg Lewis, JR Reed, and the Philadelphia Eagles punt return unit who suck at real football.
I kid because I care, Greg.
Video from whipitoutcomedy.com
Briggs was recently busted for fleeing the scene after crashing his Lambourghini after panicking. What followed yesterday was a string of explanations that made the 15-year-old in all of us proud as could be.
See what happened was, I crashed my new car and panicked real quick. So I just left the scene thinking that some shit might go down. But then I left and thought I should get rid of the car cause it’s real expensive so I called a tow truck…
You get the idea.
The point is, for every intricate and convoluted story we’ve told parents after missing curfew to hide the fact that we were actually trying to get a girl drunk enough to give us a handjob behind some bushes but not drunk enough so that she’d throw up doing so, here was Lance Briggs forced to explain his bullshit story to national news coverage.
We salute you, Mr. Briggs.
Posted in: Football :
Tony Gonzales will commit to you and pledge his undying love. But in the back of his mind, he still think you might be a gold-digging groupie.
Most of that previous statement is completely made up and Tony probably didn’t utter the phrase “Get married fresh off a contract extension? Are you nuts!”.
Nevertheless, Tony Gonzales is having a formal commitment ceremony with his girlfriend October Russell. (Link) I can only assume that a formal committment ceremony is the exact same as a wedding except that you don’t lose all your shit if you end up getting divorced.
Many insiders are calling Russell the New York Knicks of players’ wives for agreeing to this deal.
“She definately pulled a Zeke on this one” said one unnamed wife.
I, however, say congratulations – though I am pissed that someone stole my idea of a Common Law Party and changed it’s name to a Formal Committment Ceremony.
Police attended to a frantic call by none other than Titans CB and currently the most easy guy to make a punch line out of – Pac Man Jones. The call was in response to Pac Man’s claim that he was held at knife point. (Link)
Police were surprised when they showed up to find Pac Man holding the knife.
“We asked him what the perp looked like” explained detective Sipowitz. “And he, sort of frightenly, just pointed over to a window that had his reflection.”
According to reports, Pac Man was bowling, minding his own business when Pac Man decided to pull a knife on Pac Man threatening to beat and kill him.
Pac Man insisted he did no wrong but further confused the situation by speaking in the first person. “Pac Man was just gettin’ his bowl on when Pac Man came up and started talkin sh!t”
“Pac Man wasn’t doing nothing wrong” he said. “But you need to arrest that Pac Man motherfucker!”
However, Pac Man denied that he started the melee without provocation claiming that Pac Man was acting unruly and challenging his manhood.
The Titans have decline to comment on this latest indiscretion.